*This post originally appeared on sayitwithabang.com*
The birds are singing, flowers are blooming and the grass is lush and green. Spring is finally here towing Summer right behind it. All the stores have been stocking their shelves with shorts, tank tops, and *blech *bathing suits since January and any merchandise that will cover your pasty pale legs is nowhere in sight.
My usual resolution to eat better and lose weight was forgotten within a day when I found that leftover queso dip in the fridge (that shiz is so good!). Therefore the 15 pounds I swore I would shed before donning an outfit this spring that cannot described as “mu-mu chic” is still there in all its jiggly glory; plus a few due to eating my kids leftover Christmas, Valentines, and Easter candy.
Since bathing suit season is nearly upon us it is time to kick it into high gear and hit the gym. I have started working out (and very obviously stopped) many, many times and have it down pat as to how to get back to it with minimal embarrassment. So if you are planning to head to your local gym and need a few pointers here are some do’s and don’ts when getting back to working out:
Do wear comfortable undergarments
All your cute panties, bras, and thongs? Put them in a drawer and forget about packing those into your gym bag. Demi bras are made for low-cut shirts, not for jogging. If you forget and wear one instead of an industrial sports bra your boob will quite possibly pop out of the top of your bra. As sexy as it may seem, the gym is not a place for a sweaty nip-slip.
Additionally thongs do not belong at the gym. This is mainly for safety reasons and not just that no one wants to see your whale tale, which they don’t. Unless you want to have to have them medically extracted from your rear after an hour of yoga you need to put on your granny panties that provide full-cheek coverage.
Don’t put make-up on before your workout
We all want to look good, or at minimum not look like we are deathly ill with the flu. But the time to reapply your fading concealer is not right before you head to workout. When you get a good sweat on and wipe your face your towel shouldn’t look like it has eyes and a spray tan. And don’t even try not wiping your face in hopes that your makeup won’t get smeared off, it’s pretty scary to see a woman who looks like her face is melting huffing and puffing on an elliptical.
Additionally make-up, sweat, and open pores are a zit’s dream which leads to even more make-up. Unless you like the Tammy Fay Baker look and want to use a trowel to apply your foundation I would use nothing more than a swipe of mascara and chapstick.
Don’t do high impact exercises after changing your diet
Eating more salads and less of your kid’s leftover happy meals? When you start to dine on more veggies you not only increase the amount of nutrients you are putting in your body but you are also increasing your body’s ability to create gas. If you ate a big helping of steamed veggies with your baked chicken you are going to regret going for a jog at your gym when you can no longer hold your broccoli farts in.
The good news is gyms are typically loud and most people wear headphones so it may not be immediately apparent that you are blasting out fumes. When the noxious cloud of gas begins to creep around you to other gym-goers they will look for the culprit. If this happens be sure to also glance around with a disgusted look on your face to help mask the fact that it was you who dealt it and not just smelled it.
Do ease into your exercise routine
If your last marathon was on the couch with a glass of wine and the Real Housewives then you should probably not hop on the treadmill and try to complete a 5K your first week back in the gym. Just because you ran a half marathon in college doesn’t mean you’re in any condition to run right now. So put your new DVD of T-25 back in its case (unless you just want to watch it while on the couch cause Shaun T is HOT!!!) and ease into your first few days. If not you will be so sore you’ll consider purchasing adult diapers because it is just too painful to sit down to pee.
Don’t go to the back of the class
We all do this when starting a new exercise class. In an attempt to not be noticed we slip in and immediately take a spot at the very back of the class; usually trying not to make eye contact with the hot ladies wearing their tight, matchy-matchy workout clothes. Let me warn you, at some point in time this will backfire on you. While classes always start going forward oftentimes there is turning involved. This means if you were in the very back, you will now be in the front; leading the way. Naturally there are no mirrors at the back of the room so you will have to either fake it, look to your side at another newbie struggling, or embrace the fact that you have no clue what the hell you are doing and make up your own steps.
This is always horribly embarrassing, especially if you are in any fast paced class where you are already likely to crash into someone or something when the instructor is in clear view, much less if you cannot see her. Instead go to the middle of the class. Sure you will be in the throng of the hot workout queens but trust me, they are so busy watching themselves in the mirror they aren’t paying you a lick of attention.
Now that you are prepared, go get started on your workout program so you can rock that hot new control-top tankini with the matching skirt bottom and knee length cover-up you picked up from Target.
Just please don’t eat too many raw veggies before you head to the pool, I have no tips on how to disguise broccoli fart bubbles.